Well, as of Wensday night, it took an interesting, slightly terrifying turn.
He came over, we sat and watched movies, and remember how I mentioned that we were like, so close and cozy together that it felt like something should have happened but it didnt? Even though I almost initiated something but then backed out. Well, this time around. We'd been drinking. God, it was never my intention to get him WASTED like that, I just made a comment when they refered to "vodka and lemonade' during the season finale of Sons of Anarchy, which set us off on a quest for alcohol in my house. We found some vodka and those little individual packets of lemonade mix for water bottles? And had a ball. So, we were just relaxing on the couch when all of a sudden, we were making out. Like, ridiculously. When we broke again, he kindof just sat there with this smug look on his face and said "So. You've liked me for a while, huh?' It was like time stopped. I never, ever expected him to come out with that like, so quickly and it was like, he already had his answer. He'd just been on top of me and I'd been enjoying it. My cover was completely ruined, so what else could I do? I just told him. It was probably the worst thing I could have done, because now I can clearly remember telling him this, but he doesnt rememer a damn thing. Not even the fact that we continued to fool around until he was asking to go up to my room, and I told him no, because I liked him way too much to do that. And he was just fine with it, because he said it took a lot to admit that, and it took a lot of willpower to say no. I just...cant imagine he doesnt remember it.
But, Im kindof banking on the idea that he's just telling me he doesnt remember it to save me some face or something. But, if he takes that stuff the wrong way, then I will never forgive myself. So. Im attempting to get him to talk to me face to face instead of just through text messages or IM's, because I NEED to clear this up. I need to tell him that I am not expecting anything from him out of this, that it was just something that I let slip because he scared it out of me. And Im going to have to tell him everything I told you guys in the last post about him. About how I've been too terrified to say anything about how I've felt about him before because he always was someone else's, and I wasn't ready to admit it to myself. This is making me sick.
But I guess it's going to have to hold off til Tuesday. He's being impossible about coming over tonight. Im absolutely terrified. So maybe the delay is a good thing. I dont know. Any of you out there reading, help. I need it desperately.
So, I haven't seen my best friend, Desiree in almost a month.
And it's like...I dont even want to keep trying anymore. She's basically replaced Kate and I with this girl Kacie (whom she has an unrequiented crush on) and its just gotten to a point where even when we do manage to catch her and hang out with her, she's mopey and not fun...and she bitches and complains about making it back home for nine when Kacie gets out of work. Now, I understand that she has a very huge workload from her classes, and a full schedual. But, Facebook and MySpace don't lie very easily...and if she can magically find time to go see movies, go to concerts, and drive around New Bedford screwing around with signs outside of local businesses with Kacie and her sister, then why can't she find the time to come hang out with us. Or at least go to ONE show in Providence with me. But no, it's a challege to even communicate with her. She just doesn't even respond to my text messages anymore. I've sent her maybe three in the past two weeks that she has not responded to. And I guess Kate got a hold of her today and talked to her for a while, and of course all the things that Kate brought up that we've been talking about, Dessie denied she intentionally did any of it and got mad at Kate. Well, isnt that just lovely.
Im just sick of feeling like I've been replaced by some girl she's known for less than a year, when I've stuck with that girl through the past 8 years. EIGHT. YEARS. Whatever. If that's the kind of loyalty she's going to show me, why should I show her any more? I have to learn to not be so dependent on people in my life if Im ever going to get the hell out of here.
I just dont know what Im going to do. She's supposed to hang out with Kate tomorrow, and Im not even sure I want to be a part of that. I mean, I've been sick all week...so Im already in a bad mood, and I think if she starts bitching about anything Im going to flip out on her and say some things I'll regret later. Its probably best that I just work out my frustrations with her in my head first instead of trying to take it out on the real thing and making her mad. I dont want to lose her, but at this point she's kindof given me no choice.
So, after a night out to dinner with my father, and after a very long serious talk about school
I've decided that after this semester is over in December, Im not going back to UMass, and Im taking a year off to get to work and try and get myself on my feet. I want to be the adult that Im so rapidly turning into. I mean, right now...it feels like Im on a tredmill and Im running as hard as I can, and not getting anywhere. Its getting to the point where I so desperately do not want to be at that school that I make every excuse to myself not to go to class. I HATE that place. The people are shitty, the campus is ugly and depressing, and quite frankly being stuck in my gen eds all this time is pissing me off. Besides, they have NOTHING geared toward what I want to do with my English degree. I'd rather just start over in a school I actually LIKE, and get my shit together and possibly get an apartment and crap. That would be fantastic. Just to move the fuck out of my house and actually like, have a place to call my own....buy my own groceries to make my own food, play music til all hours, have whoever I want over whenever I want, watch whatever movies I desire, smoke a joint if I so feel inclined. lol (not really, Im not that into that stuff)
But yeah, Im just. BLAAAAH right now. My ultimate dream/goal is to pack up and run away to California and start EVERYTHING over. Like, my entire LIFE. I might just like...change my name even. To something cool and punky. lmao Live like a bum for a few years. It'll be FANTASTIC.
Alright, I have to stop all this crap before it turns into another emo-tastic ranting about the male species -_-
Dear God, I was so preoccupied that I forgot to do my Election Day wrap-up post!!!!
The worst part was I was typing all that during McCain's speech. (Which was very eloquent and humble, by the way) It gave me goosebumps when he repremanded his crowd for booing Obama. That was amazing. I was very surprised. He seems like a sweet enough old man, when he's not pissed off. lol
Oh, and I just have to speak very quickly on the idea of Sarah Palin running for President in 2012.
HELLZ to the NO.
I think Obama's like, 4th or 5th action as President should be to kick Alaska out of the Union for wanting to secceed in the first place, and then she won't be eligable to be President because she is no longer an American citizen. Then she can be Ice Queen of Alaska, and run her own little fairytale kingdom of Bible-thumping young parents with 15+ children, with an oil drill in every back yard. Eventually the entire area will melt, and then we'll all be set.
But anyways. I thought McCain was very humble and gracious, and I appreciated him a lot more after there wasn't a risk of him ruining my entire life. ^.^ And THEN. Obamas speech? OMG Did anyone else have intense goosebumps??? He was so intense and emotional! It was amazing. And then at the end of the speech when his girls and his wife came out and hugged, and shortly after Biden's ginormous brood followed behind them, and this giant mixture of people was standing on that stage...omg. I was crying. lol It was just so amazing. I mean, I honestly didn't imagine it would happen, even in my lifetime. But I mean..if you think about it. This happened within Martin Luther King's lifetime. (well, probably lifetime, poor thing.) But think about it! His wife and many of the people he worked with have seen the ultimate goal of his labors come to their pinnacle. Honestly, I think King would have been President eventually. He did so much for this country, and he knew how to organize his people. But then again, I dont think the country (or world) was ready for that. We were just too arrogant and awful about White Power to really go with a black President before 1980. But, God..the time is right. We need help. There's no way around it. This country is going to break at the knees if we didn't break the cycle.
Ive never been more proud to be an American. Like, Ive pretty much lived my entire life under the Bush Administration. I was 11 when he was elected to the Presidency. And I was 15 when he was elected again. I had no say in any of his political decision because of my age, and yet I am acquiring all of his policy's BULLSHIT now that I am of age. Had he done the ultimate boo-boo and reinstated the draft? My ass might be over in Iraq right now. (Most likely not, considering Im 4'9", and at 4"7" you're considered a legal midget and can apply for handicapped plates and all that crap. They'd either tell me to take a hike, or make me some like...James Bond agent to sneak into the tiny little cave holes in Afghanistan. Either is possible.) And now that Im grown up, and it no longer feels like Im powerless to stop anything that goes on in my life, I was SO excited to vote. My mother and I got up and out to go to the polls at 8:30 in the morning. And when we got there, there was no one in line, but we were the 143rd and 44th people to vote at that station. AT EIGHT THIRTY IN THE MORNING! I was thrilled. :] And the fact that it was mostly my generation who got their asses out there and voted makes me even prouder. This is OUR America. Its OUR time. We're inheriting this nation within the next few years, and its about time we got our fair say. And I think that's possible with this guy as our President. He's young, yet he's definitely old enough to be our parents. In fact, he's two years older than my father. And now, I am in no way trying to diminish the discrimination that African Americans face, but I think that the way he's been treated almost all his life is very remeniscent of the way all American young adults have been treated in recent years. He understands how hard it is to make something of yourselfin this country, and that's mostly thanks to these Republican jerkfaces who've messed things up since Nixon. If you think about it, we had only eight years with a Democratic President.
The other 16 have been spent in a Bush Republican administration. SIXTEEN YEARS. First, obviously was Daddy Bush, then we got a nice break with Clinton, and right back into another Bush administration. So, we haven't really known anything else besides those guys adn their policies. We were definitely too little to realize wtf was going on with the first guy, but dear Jesus. Im SO ready for this new administration. Its about damn time we made a difference. And Im so sick of all of these young punk kids thinking that "voting doesn't count" ...., really. Voting doesnt count? 532 votes decided the 2000 election. And look at what happened from that. Your vote does count, otherwise they wouldnt bullshit us this much. But, Im glad that enough of you got the hell out there and made a difference. Im proud of us, guys <3 We finally made something of this shithole we got.
